I Love Cake

Anybody who knows me will tell you just how much I love cake. I am crazy about cheesecake. And I lose my mind over red velvet cake. And cupcakes. And my mom’s queen cakes. I love FOOD in general. And once I start, I consume COPIUOS amounts of it.

I am always amazed when I hear a big person say she is happy and she loves her fat. It inspires me and scares me at the same time. Loving yourself unconditionally is a beautiful thing. Especially when it comes to things you CANNOT change. But to love and accept something that you actually do have power over…astounding!

Here are my two favourites, in this regard. When Jeniffer Hudson first came out, in the days of Showgirls, Jen was a proud big girl. She gave hope to many big girls that you don’t have to be a size zero (whatever that is) to be popular in Hollywood. Her acting skills and her singing did all the talking.

Here’s another one: Mo’nique. Another proud fat sister. She was ghetto fabulous and proud. She told all the jokes about fat women and said that it is ok to be fat and proud.

And what did BOTH those sisters turn around and do? They went and lost weight! They pulled a Luther Vandross on us and they lost a LOT of weight!

They have both subsequently come out and said that they were very unhappy in their fat bodies and they only really got to do something about it once they had admitted that they were unhappy with being fat.

And honestly…as with many addictions: We all have to start with the admission that we have an unhealthy relationship with food.

There is a song I love by LL Cool J called 10 Million Stars where the interviewer asks him “Let’s talk about your body…how do you get to be so focused?” His response: “Mind Body and Soul. To live like a champion, you need to act like a champion. Standing in front of the mirror, with a cupcake in your mouth, talking about ‘I am tired of looking like this’….that don’t really work”

Now, before people jump down my throat…I am not talking about people who just had babies, or people with congenital illnesses. I am talking about the likes of me who just dig way too deep into the bowl. People who love their food. People who order super size then console themselves by ordering a diet coke. I remember asking on FB: “What did you have for lunch?” I kid you not, some people listed what one person could eat for a whole week!

So, fact….denial of the existence of a problem, that is never the solution. But, more importantly, identifying the problem, but doing nothing about it. Also useless.

I am often accused of being very insensitive when I ask the question: “Why does somebody only acknowledge the problem when they get to size 42?” If you were a size 32, then gradually grew to a 42….sorry, but what on earth were you thinking the whole time?

Let me tell you where it starts: Many people who are naturally thin will get used to the fact that they are naturally thin and that they can eat anything and never gain weight.  In fact, in our culture, our parents will be making an effort, feeding you like crazy, trying to take you from a size 26 that you are. And the day you start growing up and find yourself going from a size 26, to a 28….they will celebrate. And will keep feeding you. Finally, you are looking “healthy”. But the point is, as you grow older and your metabolism slows down, you are suddenly burning the food a lot slower. You are still eating a lot, but burning the food slower. Size 30.

Hey, 30 is still good. Even you are still happy. But the day you hit 42, you go…”I really need to do something about this weight” Really? You didn’t notice that things were going….ahem…pear shaped at let’s say…size 36?

I am not one to say the fight is lost, but I assure you, maintaining a 36 is a LOT less work and a lot easier than losing a 42.

The above story is (for the most part) all about me. When I got married, I was a size 28. And, I tell you now, a few months ago, when I tried on size 36 jeans at a shop, it broke my heart. That was me admitting defeat. And out of principle alone, I walked out of that shop and never bought them. Buying the next size up is admitting defeat.

I hated having a camera anywhere near me for a while. Rather ironic for somebody who partly makes a living from being in front of the camera. When I saw myself on Generations towards the end of the year, I literally wanted to hide from the world. I wanted to strangle anybody who showed up in front of me with a camera. I did NOT like what the camera was showing me. I stopped attending auditions, even when the Director specifically asked for me by name.

So first I stopped with the booze. And that helped in one regard...I wasn't gaining any more weight, but I was certainly not losing any either. I was starting to think I may have to just admit that I am a 36 now......I eventually decided to make the clothes I have in my wardrobe fit me. That made more sense than buying a whole new wardrobe. So, I took drastic steps. Nothing crazy that I can’t sustain. In the morning, I have a protein shake. It is a great food replacement and generally sustains me the entire day. In the afternoon/ early evening at around 6, I have my dinner. Normal dinner like everybody else.

I have it early enough to ensure that by the time I go to sleep, I am starting to feel hungry again. I LOVE those hunger pangs. Those say to me that I did not over eat.

The best part? I used to do that 5 days a week. Now that I am back at my target weight, I can cut that down to 2 days a week. The other 3 days, I can eat what I damn well please.

And the weight has stayed off. I confused my body. It never settles into a routine and as such, I have not picked up any weight.

No food on the face of the earth tastes as good as having a positive self image. I love cake, but not nearly as much as I love myself. I am going crazy, taking loads of pics right now, because…I love me again.