Q: Why don't you have a talk show yet?

A: All in good time!

Q: Dear uncle L,I hear that se*ercise is also good for weight loss,so how many times per week should one do it?

A: As often as you can get it!

Q: my so called bf hasnt communicated with me for a mnth nw,so if i move on(date again)would that count as cheating since we haven't officially broken up?

A: Get closure. Call him, text him or whatever. If only to confirm that you two are no more. Obviously it also depends on what the last thing was that you said to each other.

Q: Speaking of bad se* yho linda I have it all the time my man can't f*** to save his life and I tried every style there is but still nothing changes. His Dic* gets soft after he gets inside me. What can I do to help him?

A: Men's Clinic! Quickly! Even a GP will help!

I Love Cake

Anybody who knows me will tell you just how much I love cake. I am crazy about cheesecake. And I lose my mind over red velvet cake. And cupcakes. And my mom’s queen cakes. I love FOOD in general. And once I start, I consume COPIUOS amounts of it.

I am always amazed when I hear a big person say she is happy and she loves her fat. It inspires me and scares me at the same time. Loving yourself unconditionally is a beautiful thing. Especially when it comes to things you CANNOT change. But to love and accept something that you actually do have power over…astounding!

Here are my two favourites, in this regard. When Jeniffer Hudson first came out, in the days of Showgirls, Jen was a proud big girl. She gave hope to many big girls that you don’t have to be a size zero (whatever that is) to be popular in Hollywood. Her acting skills and her singing did all the talking.

Here’s another one: Mo’nique. Another proud fat sister. She was ghetto fabulous and proud. She told all the jokes about fat women and said that it is ok to be fat and proud.

And what did BOTH those sisters turn around and do? They went and lost weight! They pulled a Luther Vandross on us and they lost a LOT of weight!

They have both subsequently come out and said that they were very unhappy in their fat bodies and they only really got to do something about it once they had admitted that they were unhappy with being fat.

And honestly…as with many addictions: We all have to start with the admission that we have an unhealthy relationship with food.

There is a song I love by LL Cool J called 10 Million Stars where the interviewer asks him “Let’s talk about your body…how do you get to be so focused?” His response: “Mind Body and Soul. To live like a champion, you need to act like a champion. Standing in front of the mirror, with a cupcake in your mouth, talking about ‘I am tired of looking like this’….that don’t really work”

Now, before people jump down my throat…I am not talking about people who just had babies, or people with congenital illnesses. I am talking about the likes of me who just dig way too deep into the bowl. People who love their food. People who order super size then console themselves by ordering a diet coke. I remember asking on FB: “What did you have for lunch?” I kid you not, some people listed what one person could eat for a whole week!

So, fact….denial of the existence of a problem, that is never the solution. But, more importantly, identifying the problem, but doing nothing about it. Also useless.

I am often accused of being very insensitive when I ask the question: “Why does somebody only acknowledge the problem when they get to size 42?” If you were a size 32, then gradually grew to a 42….sorry, but what on earth were you thinking the whole time?

Let me tell you where it starts: Many people who are naturally thin will get used to the fact that they are naturally thin and that they can eat anything and never gain weight.  In fact, in our culture, our parents will be making an effort, feeding you like crazy, trying to take you from a size 26 that you are. And the day you start growing up and find yourself going from a size 26, to a 28….they will celebrate. And will keep feeding you. Finally, you are looking “healthy”. But the point is, as you grow older and your metabolism slows down, you are suddenly burning the food a lot slower. You are still eating a lot, but burning the food slower. Size 30.

Hey, 30 is still good. Even you are still happy. But the day you hit 42, you go…”I really need to do something about this weight” Really? You didn’t notice that things were going….ahem…pear shaped at let’s say…size 36?

I am not one to say the fight is lost, but I assure you, maintaining a 36 is a LOT less work and a lot easier than losing a 42.

The above story is (for the most part) all about me. When I got married, I was a size 28. And, I tell you now, a few months ago, when I tried on size 36 jeans at a shop, it broke my heart. That was me admitting defeat. And out of principle alone, I walked out of that shop and never bought them. Buying the next size up is admitting defeat.

I hated having a camera anywhere near me for a while. Rather ironic for somebody who partly makes a living from being in front of the camera. When I saw myself on Generations towards the end of the year, I literally wanted to hide from the world. I wanted to strangle anybody who showed up in front of me with a camera. I did NOT like what the camera was showing me. I stopped attending auditions, even when the Director specifically asked for me by name.

So first I stopped with the booze. And that helped in one regard...I wasn't gaining any more weight, but I was certainly not losing any either. I was starting to think I may have to just admit that I am a 36 now......I eventually decided to make the clothes I have in my wardrobe fit me. That made more sense than buying a whole new wardrobe. So, I took drastic steps. Nothing crazy that I can’t sustain. In the morning, I have a protein shake. It is a great food replacement and generally sustains me the entire day. In the afternoon/ early evening at around 6, I have my dinner. Normal dinner like everybody else.

I have it early enough to ensure that by the time I go to sleep, I am starting to feel hungry again. I LOVE those hunger pangs. Those say to me that I did not over eat.

The best part? I used to do that 5 days a week. Now that I am back at my target weight, I can cut that down to 2 days a week. The other 3 days, I can eat what I damn well please.

And the weight has stayed off. I confused my body. It never settles into a routine and as such, I have not picked up any weight.

No food on the face of the earth tastes as good as having a positive self image. I love cake, but not nearly as much as I love myself. I am going crazy, taking loads of pics right now, because…I love me again. 

Mini Coupe and Roadster

Mini Coupe and Roadster

They say everything is up to individual taste…some people love something while others hate it to bits. It was never so with the New Generation Mini. When BMW released the Mini Cooper in 2000, EVERYBODY loved it. There was not a single person who was not taken in by its charm.

I drove that car for a very brief period in my life and it was better than carrying a cute baby or a cute puppy. It was absolutely incredible. Everywhere I went, everybody either shot admiring glances or smiled and some even shot a thumbs up. It was THAT adorable! I felt like a rock star in that car. But a cute and cuddly rock star. I felt tall, I felt handsome, I felt sexy. But all of this while being cute and thus non-threatening. So, guys never felt the need to challenge me to a duel to the death. For that brief time, ladies wanted to be with me and the guys wanted to be me (sort of). I swear that car would have ended my marriage.

In short, the New Mini was everything for everybody. Yes, it had absolutely no leg room in the back, a flaw we were all willing to overlook. AND the front was far more spacious than the old Mini made by Leyland had ever been.

Fast forward to the current Mini Cooper Coupe and Cabrio…..Picture a fat American wearing a baseball cap, facing backwards. That’s what it looks like. It is still the Mini, but without the chiselled good looks of old. It is no longer cute because it is too old to be cute. It is just annoying. And it looks quite obnoxious, actually.

I won’t rattle off all the figures. But there has been a significant increase in size. Physically it is bigger than anything that has ever come from Mini. Yes, the Power output and Torque have been increased. But, I can tell you now, that extra grunt probably only serves to help carry the additional bulk.

These are nothing but first impressions. I will let you know once I have driven it…But, the future seems quite bleek, if you ask me.

Bleu De Chanel

There are two kinds of men, when it comes to fragrance: There are those that you can smell from across the room and those that you can smell only once you are in their personal space. The across the room guys are also the kind who will often get the most compliments about their cologne, despite the fact that most people GAG when they are up close.

See, with us personal space guys, if you are in the same room with us, you can’t even smell that we are wearing cologne. Whereas with the across the room guys, you will enjoy their fragrance when they are across the room, and you will choke when they are up close. They seem to take a bath in the cologne.
But Lord knows, I have an intense love affair with cologne. I wear it, not only when I am going out, but even on days when I am not going out. I feel incomplete without a dab of cologne on my chest. My outfit feels incomplete without a bit of cologne on my skin. However, I have always had one challenge. When I use the same cologne daily, I get sick of it. Literally. The smell makes me ill. So, I have reached the point where I have between five and ten different kinds of cologne at a time. And I jump around from one to the next. Interestingly, that also makes my cologne last longer. See, when you use the same cologne every single day, you end up building a tolerance to it and not smelling it on yourself, which inevitably makes you spray more and more of it on yourself.

Enter Bleu De Chanel…..

My relationship with the Chanel brand started years ago, when I was in high school. My dad used Chanel Pour Monsieur  and it was simply exquisite. I loved it so much, and of course, I was not allowed to touch it. I first wore it (officially) on the day of my Matric Dance. It was truly an amazing night for me.
When I left home for varsity, my dad surprised me with a bottle of Chanel. My very own bottle of Pour Monsieur. I am not joking when I say, that bottle lasted the entire four years that I was there. FOUR years! And I still kept the empty bottle as a keepsake for many years after that.

When I first started working, one of the number one things on my shopping list was a replacement bottle of Pour Monsieur. So, you can imagine my disappointment when I found out that Chanel were no longer bringing that fragrance into the country. I refused to even smell anything else.

Years later, I tried Allure, loved it. Tried Egoiste and loved it. And they became my next best thing to fill the void that was left by Pour Monsieur. It wasn’t until 2010, when Bleu De Chanel made it to the scene that I thought….”This is it!” I had found my signature scent. Bleu was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. Very clean, very fresh…it was like the most natural, most beautiful smell I had ever smelt.

When I wear Bleu, whoever hugs me does not want to let go. And whoever gets intimate with me…well…you get the picture. It has the most incredible effect on everybody that comes really close to me. I wish I could wear Bleu every single day, because it really is my signature scent.

PS: I did subsequently get a bottle of Pour Monsieur from Europe, but I assure you, it is purely for sentimental value. Bleu has eclipsed Pour Monsieur by far in terms of how good I feel when wearing it.
If you see me walking with a spring on my step and a mysterious smile on my face, it is not because I just had a morning glory. It is because I am wearing my Bleu De Chanel.