Ok, so we've all read the book. And we've all seen the movie. But, somehow, so many women (and men, mind you) still have NO clue about this; How do I tell whether he is into me or not.
Let us start with the negatives. How to tell if he ISN'T into you. The most obvious tell tale signs;-
1. He never calls, only you do the calling.
2. When you DO call him, he is VERY happy to hear from you, but the moment you are done, it is out of sight out of mind for him.
3. He only ever responds to your contact (mail, texts, BBM, What's App) but never initiates contact himself.
4. Whenever you have to do something together, you are the one who always drives the process. You have to keep pushing for him to make time for you.
5. The only time he makes an effort to see you, is only when he wants to get together for sex.
As you may have noticed, I have tried to keep these generic, so that they cover both the instances where you are already involved with one another and cases where you have only just met.
Here are some borderline cases.
1. You meet him and exchange numbers and then he takes a few days before he calls.
2. You go out for a date and after the date he says he had a great time, but then doesn't call for a few days after that.
3. You chat occasionally, speak for a while, then he disappears for a while again.
4. He seems to be dating other people.
5. You are shagmates.
Now, let me tell you why I consider the above borderline cases...
Some guys, like women, follow some stupid rules like "The 3 Day Rule" which states that once a woman has given you her number, you have to wait Three days before you call her. They say this is a control thing so that she doesn't think you are desperate. Keep her waiting a bit. The same goes for after you have been on a date. (In both cases, I would say no guy who is truly into you would care about stupid rules, but some guys are set in their ways, so let us leave those as borderline cases)
If he chats with you often, then disappears just as much, it could be that he is still trying to figure you out.
Ladies, we also have fragile egos. And our minds also work overtime trying to figure YOU out. So, as a man, I could chat with you occasionally, then go away to see if YOU will miss me, or initiate contact at some point as well. Because believe me, we also do not want to waste time and energy on somebody who is not that into us.
The last two are interlinked. We have all had shagmates, NSA (no strings attached), ABF (assistant boy friend) arrangements. And many times, it has been with women who want nothing more than that. I have been a shagmmate to a woman that I was absolutely head over heels in love with. But from the word go she made it crystal clear that all she wanted from me was to be her shagmate. Nothing more. So, hey, we also have feelings. If YOU are giving the vibe that you want nothing more than an ABF, then hell, ABF is all I will act like. Even when I actually AM into you. Sometimes....
Those are the borderline situations. They really could go either way.
Now let us look at the positives. A man IS into you if he does the following;-
1. Calls often, without actually being clingy. (Let's face it, some guys WILL call you every hour to check on you. That is a control thing, not love)
2. Be proud to show you off and talk to his friends and family about you.
3. Will have you over at his place as much as he comes to your place. (Ladies, I cannot say this enough, if you have been dating a man for six months, and you have never seen the inside of his house, you are the woman on the side. He is probably married even)
4. He spends the big holidays (Christmas, New Years) and HIS birthday, with you. Even if a guy has FIVE women in his life. The one that he spends most or ALL those with is The One. Fact. I know this one has sparked some debate in the past, but the women were just in denial. He may lie and tell you about his family's tradition to spend these days with his family. But if you meant that much to him, You would be with him and that family.
5.He performs random acts of kindness to you and to your loved ones. This one is pretty self-explanatory. He cares about you and foresees a future for you two. So he needs to make sure that he fits in well into your life, by fitting in well to the people that matter the most to you.
Folks, there are many more things that I could add to the list. But I am not re-writing the book. Those are, to me, the most significant. And incidentally, they are the ones I get asked about the most, when I get my Agony Uncle questions.
Ultimately, if you have any doubt, whether he is into you or not, chances are he isn't. Because no man will leave any stone unturned to find The One. And if a man really loves you, he will find a way to let you know this. By hook or by crook.
And remember, nothing will syand between a man and the woman he loves. NOTHING will stop him from getting to you. He will walk if he has to. And nothing will stop him from calling you. Stop making or taking excuses. He will walk to a Telkom phone booth if all else fails. But he WILL call.
A man who doesn't call you for three straight days, while living in the same country, is just not your man.
Wake Up! Woman!
Saturday 23 April 2011
Why Do Men Cheat?
There really is no simple response to this. I could go on forever trying to convince you that not all men are dogs and that there Are some good men out there. But let's face it, I'd be faarting against thunder. Because for every one guy trying to do good by his woman, there are nine bending over backwards to reinforce the stereotype.
So, rather than try to defend our gender, perhaps it would make better sense to rather give some insight into some of the reasons why the men that do cheat, do cheat.
First of all. It very rarely has anything to do with what you did or what you didn't do. It is always sad to watch a woman who got cheated start going to gym and looking after her appearance, trying to "win her man back". But, chances are he would have cheated on you regardless.
Please, I cannot stress this enough. DO look after yourself. DO stay fit. DO pay attention to the chipping nail polish. Ease up on the matronly look. When women settle down, they do sometimes tend to start focusing more on "comfort" than style. News flash! He fell in love with a beautiful, stylish woman. Keep reminding him of that woman!
But, when you do all this, do not do it with the intention of keeping your man. Do it rather so that on your side, you can never blame yourself. Do it so that you can, with a clear conscience, say; "I did my best." If he always loved your cooking, say with pride, "I always cooked for him. I never passed that responsibility to the helper or fed him take aways 5 days a week.".
And, for heaven's sake, do not settle into a boring routine sexually. Granted, there are some men who never ever show their freaky sides to their madam (a true paradox if I have ever seen one), but, you can still show a bit of creativity. Heck, even in the missionary position, you can create some variety. Get on top, occasionally. Take off your clothes seductively and playfully, instead of undressing methodically and folding each item of clothing. Keep it entertaining.
Now, the crux of the matter. If you have all of these covered, none of it means he definitely won't cheat on you. But it DOES mean that YOU did your bit. The rest is all him.
Men will cheat because of one major reason. And many minor ones. But let us focus on the major one for now; EGO. Picture this; I have a beautiful wife at home. But she already knows all my shortcomings. She knows. Skipped payment last month on my fancy german car because money was a little tight. She knows that I snore. She has seen me cry. She knows that I have an irrational fear of clowns. I can't fool her. I can't be playing Mr Big Shot with her. But the young lady that I bump into, working at the till at Woolies doesn't know any of that, does she? If I decide to take her to Cofi, she won't say; "But we can't really afford this." She is going to see a man who is a King among men. Comfortable, confident, well groomed. What a man, what a man. So, whenever I want some escape, it is her I will go to. Then I will go back home for a dose of reality.
Here's another thing. And for this, I am sorry, but you ladies need to take credit. Women fake orgasms. I have no idea why. But you do. A LOT. But, the point is, if he doesn't really satisfy you and you fake it, two things will happen. One, he will not do anything different, because, why should he? He made you scream, so why change anything. Two, YOU will grow more and more frustrated at his lack of effort. But, really, who is to blame, there?
The point is, you are very dissatisfied and will gradually get sick of faking it. So you will do less and less fake screaming as time goes on. And, since he is doing the same thing he has always done, which used to make you scream, he will conclude, in his head that YOU are the problem. And he will go elsewhere to hear somebody else (fake) screaming. Sorry, but you need to take your share of the blame, there ladies.
But all in all. Because men are so egocentric, it really is the ego that drives men to cheat. We have a constant need for approval from women. And often, the approval of one woman stops being enough. That is when we start searching for it out there. And what says "I approve" quite like a woman allowing you to sleep with her?
NB; I won't go further.You will have to get the book to get the rest. "Wake Up! Woman!" Coming soon.
So, rather than try to defend our gender, perhaps it would make better sense to rather give some insight into some of the reasons why the men that do cheat, do cheat.
First of all. It very rarely has anything to do with what you did or what you didn't do. It is always sad to watch a woman who got cheated start going to gym and looking after her appearance, trying to "win her man back". But, chances are he would have cheated on you regardless.
Please, I cannot stress this enough. DO look after yourself. DO stay fit. DO pay attention to the chipping nail polish. Ease up on the matronly look. When women settle down, they do sometimes tend to start focusing more on "comfort" than style. News flash! He fell in love with a beautiful, stylish woman. Keep reminding him of that woman!
But, when you do all this, do not do it with the intention of keeping your man. Do it rather so that on your side, you can never blame yourself. Do it so that you can, with a clear conscience, say; "I did my best." If he always loved your cooking, say with pride, "I always cooked for him. I never passed that responsibility to the helper or fed him take aways 5 days a week.".
And, for heaven's sake, do not settle into a boring routine sexually. Granted, there are some men who never ever show their freaky sides to their madam (a true paradox if I have ever seen one), but, you can still show a bit of creativity. Heck, even in the missionary position, you can create some variety. Get on top, occasionally. Take off your clothes seductively and playfully, instead of undressing methodically and folding each item of clothing. Keep it entertaining.
Now, the crux of the matter. If you have all of these covered, none of it means he definitely won't cheat on you. But it DOES mean that YOU did your bit. The rest is all him.
Men will cheat because of one major reason. And many minor ones. But let us focus on the major one for now; EGO. Picture this; I have a beautiful wife at home. But she already knows all my shortcomings. She knows. Skipped payment last month on my fancy german car because money was a little tight. She knows that I snore. She has seen me cry. She knows that I have an irrational fear of clowns. I can't fool her. I can't be playing Mr Big Shot with her. But the young lady that I bump into, working at the till at Woolies doesn't know any of that, does she? If I decide to take her to Cofi, she won't say; "But we can't really afford this." She is going to see a man who is a King among men. Comfortable, confident, well groomed. What a man, what a man. So, whenever I want some escape, it is her I will go to. Then I will go back home for a dose of reality.
Here's another thing. And for this, I am sorry, but you ladies need to take credit. Women fake orgasms. I have no idea why. But you do. A LOT. But, the point is, if he doesn't really satisfy you and you fake it, two things will happen. One, he will not do anything different, because, why should he? He made you scream, so why change anything. Two, YOU will grow more and more frustrated at his lack of effort. But, really, who is to blame, there?
The point is, you are very dissatisfied and will gradually get sick of faking it. So you will do less and less fake screaming as time goes on. And, since he is doing the same thing he has always done, which used to make you scream, he will conclude, in his head that YOU are the problem. And he will go elsewhere to hear somebody else (fake) screaming. Sorry, but you need to take your share of the blame, there ladies.
But all in all. Because men are so egocentric, it really is the ego that drives men to cheat. We have a constant need for approval from women. And often, the approval of one woman stops being enough. That is when we start searching for it out there. And what says "I approve" quite like a woman allowing you to sleep with her?
NB; I won't go further.You will have to get the book to get the rest. "Wake Up! Woman!" Coming soon.
Where to from here?
First step is for me to figure out why I am here. Why am i blogging? Ok, if truth be told, I was pushed to start blogging. I have some fairly popular posts on FB and people seem to identify with what I am saying. And then came the notes. I write notes quite regularly, and they also struck quite a chord with many readers. Every Sunday, i put up an excerpt from my work in progress book, "Wake Up! Woman!"....Then people started asking me to e-mail them copies of the notes.
So, from that, to a blog, was, I guess, the next logical step. I will put all the notes that I have written so far. Needless to say, I can't give you the entire chapter, or the entire book. But I will definitely share enough to glipmse of what the book is about, and hopefully, spark enough interest for you to want to buy the book, when it comes out.
Excerpts coming up, shortly.
So, from that, to a blog, was, I guess, the next logical step. I will put all the notes that I have written so far. Needless to say, I can't give you the entire chapter, or the entire book. But I will definitely share enough to glipmse of what the book is about, and hopefully, spark enough interest for you to want to buy the book, when it comes out.
Excerpts coming up, shortly.
Thursday 21 April 2011
So...I am blogging now.....
I know most writers and purists believe very strongly that blogging is "bastardising" the art of writing. They are probably the same people who still insist on using a typewriter to write their material. Nonense!
If you have something to say, blogging gives you the voice. And, really, we are not stupid. We can all tell the real from the fake. We can all tell whether somebody has what it takes to cut it as a writer.
Now, it is my turn. My turn to expose myself. To lay bare my innermost feelings. To put myself at the mercy of you, the reader. Critics can be harsh. They can be brutal. But I am not writing for the them, here. I am not writing for the people whose sole purpose it is to take apart every bit of writing, criticising spelling and sentence construction. I AM writing for the people who just want to read something heartfelt and geniune. I will be putting up all my old notes from Facebook. And, of course will be communicating in a lot more detail here, than on FB and twitter.
I look forward to this journey. Let's GO!
If you have something to say, blogging gives you the voice. And, really, we are not stupid. We can all tell the real from the fake. We can all tell whether somebody has what it takes to cut it as a writer.
Now, it is my turn. My turn to expose myself. To lay bare my innermost feelings. To put myself at the mercy of you, the reader. Critics can be harsh. They can be brutal. But I am not writing for the them, here. I am not writing for the people whose sole purpose it is to take apart every bit of writing, criticising spelling and sentence construction. I AM writing for the people who just want to read something heartfelt and geniune. I will be putting up all my old notes from Facebook. And, of course will be communicating in a lot more detail here, than on FB and twitter.
I look forward to this journey. Let's GO!
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