Small Town Minds

There is something about being in a small town. That lovely sense of community, the way everybody seems to know everybody. And the people in the streets seem to smile more, they are more peaceful and serene. None of them are rushing to their next big appointment. And you can see it in their driving. Nice and peaceful.

But, there is a big spanner in the works. The service in big towns, though not great, you end up knowing where to go, if you are looking for great service. You want great service, stay away from Shoprite, go to Checkers. \they are part of the same chain, but they don't spend a cent on trying to keep the Shoprite stores clean, nobody is surprised if they see a rodent or a roach at a Shoprite store. And, service is a word that doesn't exist in the staff's minds. The only greeting you will get from the lady at a Shoprite till is "Plastic?" And you can rest assured there will be NO packer and you will be packing your own groceries, because...well, the lady at the till is too busy filing her nails, to pack your bags for you.....I challenge anybody to show me a single Shoprite that is any different.

Go to Checkers and it is a completely different world. You are greeted with (at the very least)a forced smile and a mumbled greeting. And there is almost always a packer to assist you. If not, the lady at the till will definitely pack your bags for you. Now, for me it is a no-brainer. I avoid Shoprite like the plague and I love Checkers passionately. They are quite often situated close to one another, so i ask myself; "Why would anybody go shop at a Shoprite store when they have the option of Checkers. Clearly it is a great case of market segmentation. When Checkers advertises, it usually places emphasis on their great variety. Whenever i think of cheese and wine, i think Checkers. Shoprite, on the other hand, will sell NOTHING but price. There is probably no difference in their prices, really. But, the seed has been planted in people's minds that Shoprite is cheaper.

Back to small towns. It REALLY makes no difference which shop you go to, in a small town. You WILL get bad service. Guaranteed. I have even received bad service at Woolies in Nelspruit. WOOLWORTHS! I always thought that Woolies has a training second to none. And that they have managed to develop some kind of gene testing which teaches their staff to be perpetually polite and friendly, but somehow Nelspruit dropped the ball. Hell, i have even received amazing service from Woolies in Phalaborwa. A dusty little two street mining town managed to far surpass Nelspruit. Shame on you, Nelspruit.

One thing i picked up in Nelspruit was that ALL the black people (yes...i have to go to the race thing) gave the worst service. Seriously. Everywhere i went, i got nothing but surly faces of people who really don't want to be there. The white folk were, on the whole, not that different either...UNTIL they hear you speak "good" English. Then they immediately think "Wait, this darkie sounds educated, so maybe he has money...let me be nice!" And although this is far from ideal, at least it tells me one thing; They know what side their bread is buttered. They understand that this customer is who pays their salary in the end. So, they at least pretend to give a damn about you. I swear, we walked into a Vodacom shop in Nelspruit, because Boo was looking for accessories for her Blackberry Playbook. She walks in and asks this chap and his immediate response was "No we don't have..." Then, clearly he did a double take and thought; "Hang on....... TOURIST!" Suddenly he was falling all over himself, finding as many accessories as he could lay his hands on for us. Gave us Brilliant service after that.

However, in the midst of all this indifference, we found an oasis of amazing service. The guesthouse that we stayed at; "Nel's River Guesthouse And Spa".....Exemplary. I will be writing a full report on this one shortly. With pics. I would recommend this place to ANYBODY going to the Nelspruit area.

Lifestyle...the beginning

I am very excited to be involved with the Society And Lifestyle brand. When I sat down to write this intro, I thought that i would write about what I think qualifies me to write about Lifestyle....

An hour later, I am still sitting here with a blank screen staring at me.

I have no idea what qualifies me. I am not "cool". I am not hip and happening. And i certainly am not part of the trendy bunch who are the shock waves that is in front of the cutting edge. Hell, I don't even own a single Apple product.

The only reason I can think of, why i was roped in to write for this brand is that, I tell it like it is. And my honesty and the brutal manner in which i dish it out means that my readers know that i will never suck up. If i dislike something, I will say it is rubbish. And if i wax lyrical about something, it is because i genuinely liked it.

So, long story short, I think i was pulled in to write this because of my honesty and non-conformity. You need only look at me and my wardrobe to realise that i really couldn't be bothered by what is trendy. I would certainly never go to ZAR and order 5o year old Scotch at R15 000 a tot, or R450 000 for the whole bottle. Hell, you wouldn't catch me at ZAR at all. I was there once, to watch a friend perform live. And i seriously walked out thinking "A fool and his money are soon parted.." Because I REALLY didn't get the big fuss.

Don't get me wrong; I know that sometimes quality comes at a price. And that is an indisputable fact. But I also believe that sometimes people assume that high price equals good quality. Let us go back to whiskey. I, for one, actually enjoy Johnny Walker Black more than I do Green, or Gold, or indeed Blue. When you consider that there is a R1000 difference between Black and Blue, you will realize that I am TRULY not bothered by list price, but rather by whether I am enjoying an experience or not.

So, here we are...I will be writing a feature on Lifestyle, and really I will stick to things that I love and am passionate about. Food, music, movies, cars, restaurants...if only i could add sex to the equation, that would pretty much cover ALL my interests. Look, if i am asked to write about anything, or to give my opinion on something, i will gladly do so. I will try and keep it light and informative, rather than bore you with a lot of theory and statistics. And I will keep it brief. I hate long winded articles that keeps the reader engrossed in the first half and has the reader BEGGING for it to end because the writer is going on and on.

While on the subject of keeping it brief...that's my cue to sign off. Please enjoy the reading.

Please go like our page.... http://facebook.com/SocietyAndLifestyle

Skin on Skin

I would like to put my views on this topic down, once and for all and never come back to it again.

In this day and age, if you have unprotected sex and you are not married....you are taking a risk. Hell, there is an element of risk in marriage as well. Unless you know where your partner is 24/7, there is always the possibility of him/her being out there, getting infected. So, have skin on skin with them and you have it too. No matter how well-behaved YOU might be. To be perfectly honest, even if you KNOW where your partner is, that won't stop them from cheating if they want to.

Take it from a man who has had shagmate arrangements, NEVER be fooled by the time frame. If he has an appointment with a shagmate, they could set up the time, he could be on the phone with you at 10h00, be inside her by 10h10 and be back on the phone with you by 10h30. Back in her at 10h35 and back on the phone with you at 11h00. And they would o their separate ways as if nothing ever happened. If somebody even breathes that your man might be cheating, what would you do? Laugh in their face! You were either with him, or on the phone with him ALL day. See, most people are still labouring under the impression that a person needs to "disappear" for them to be cheating. Not answer their phones and not come home. Your man can cheat on you every single day and still be back home at 17h00 on the dot every single day. Gentlemen, the ladies are equally capable.

Point is; Do not be lulled into a false of security. Rather keep it safe. If you are in a sable relationship and you absolutely feel compelled to have unprotected sex, do yourself a favour and both get tested. Regularly.

I hear the same excuse every single day; "The condom burst". Bullshit. Pull the other leg. Go sell stupid somewhere else, because I am not buying it. Unless you use condoms differently to me, condoms don't just burst all willy nilly. 8 out of 10 people who fall pregnant from "burst condoms" just were not wearing one at all. And here is another fun fact. Once the condom bursts (on the rare occasion when it does) most people will 1.Not stop. 2. Will not use condoms for the rest of that evening because "we are going to buy the morning after tomorrow anyway". How STUPID is that logic? That is like getting a smudge of mud on your clothes, then jumping into the mud pit because "I am already dirty and need to change anyway". Stupid.

Nobody is safe. The incident rates of HIV are alarmingly high among 20 something year olds. These are people who generally have access to all the information in the world. And they all have access to condoms, even the stinky free ones (I am still wondering what disgusting rubber they use on Choice condoms).

It is EVERYBODY's responsibility to make sure a condom is worn during sex. Ladies, you are more than welcome to debate the fact that you think the man should be responsible. And you might even win the argument. But the point is moot. The bottom line is; What good is it for me to sit there, talking to you after you have been infected or fallen pregnant and saying; "Yes, you were right...it was HIS responsibility." That is a hollow victory. Why don't you make sure it never gets to that. Keep a pack of 3 in those hue hand bags that you carry. The life you safe could be your own.

Rainbow Nation

No, this is not about everybody getting along and all of the colours of the rainbow standing in Newtown and singing Kumbaya. This is about skin tone.

For white people, it is interesting to note that a deep tan is a sign of good living. The only people who have tans are those who either have just come back from holiday at the seaside or those who have pools in their backyards and loads of time to work on their tans.

This is why tanning salons make so much money. People trying to get that healthy looking tan. And of course, there are those tans in a bottle which make people end up looking orange, rather than a healthy golden brown.

Of course, a few hundred years ago, so many people had outdoor careers, a lighter complexion was the sign of wealth. The Lord of the manner was indoors, while his working class counterparts had to do physical labour in the burning sun.

Now...moving on to the custodians of melanin. Black people have always associated a lighter skin with beauty. Listen to our popular wedding song "Tswang, tswang, tswang, le bone, ngwana o tshwana le lekhalati!" "Come out and see, the bride is so beautiful, she looks coloured" No jokes.

Believe me, I have tried to rationalise this in my head and look at our history. I mean, we come from a period where we were indoctrinated to self loathe and to think black is inferior and white is superior. So much so that coloureds and indians were given more privileges than black people, because they are "closer to being white".

So, yes, being lighter can be seen as a step up in that regard.

And, of course, when I grew up, there were hardly any beautiful and glamorous black women on tv. Internationally! It took MANY years to start seeing beautiful black women on tv.

The bottom line is, though, I know several black women who dream of having a child with another race, so their child has a better chance at a lighter complexion and at being "prettier". How self-loathing is that?

I have heard many light -skinned women tell the story of how every guy they have been with has gone crazy at the sight of their creamy white thighs. Some would even go as far as begging to not use protection with them, because that light skin somehow says they are "healthy" and therefore safe to have sex with "skoen" (without a condom).

Yes, we have been made to hate our black skin and made to feel like lesser beings. But are we not perpetuating it ourselves?

The one thing I know for a fact is; because this black loathing has filtered down to our children, children will always make fun of the dark kids and call them "myamane" (blackie). And as a result, when that child grows up, to avoid having their own kids suffer the same abuse, they will seek out a lighter person to mate with, so their child has the chance of being more balanced.

Sad, really.

Casual Sex (To Shagmate or not to shagmate)

I suppose it is because of the upsurge in AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, but casual sex has become a taboo topic. And that is why i have chosen to speak about it. I am going to be candid and as always, I will call a spade a spade. If i upset certain people (and i am sure i will) then so be it. It wouldn't be worth writing if it did not evoke some kind of emotional response, good or bad.

When I look at some of the things that people sit and endure, just for the sake of being "in a relationship" or married, for that matter, when all they are really after is somebody to give them sex (good or bad)....just to be that close to somebody for 10 minutes (or 1, depending on who you are with), it makes me wonder; Are these people not better off with a shag mate? A fuck buddy. A no strings attached partner.

Let's look at the facts. If a guy comes over, for the sole purpose of being a sex partner, you REALLY don't need to be considerate to his ego and his feelings. If he is not delivering the goods, you can show him the door, with no hesitation. He is not delivering on his mandate. Recall the bugger. Can't do that with a "boyfriend". You are usually too tied into the relationship. As a a result, he can get away with giving you good sex, or average sex once a month.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a great believer in relationships. But the relationship needs to be a good one. You need to feel loved and appreciated. And most of all, you need to be getting good sex (if sex is important to you). If you are not getting all of the above, ask yourself; "Why am I here?" And like i have said many times, if the only reason that you are with him is the below average sex, then I urge you to consider getting a formal shagmate arrangement elsewhere. Let's face it, your man is nothing but a shagmate anyway. A BAD shagmate.

A shagmate is not there to discuss how your day was. Nor is he there to bitch about HIS day. He is there for one thing and one thing only; to cater to your sexual needs. And he better do a good job if he knows what is good for him.

So, really, sometimes, you are better off walking away from Mr Nothing But Complaints and moving on to Mr Do You Right. All this, while you search for Mr Right. Believe me, you won't have that desperate look in your eyes and as such, you won't fall prey to ruthless players. And, of course, you won't be seeing the world through Cerebos covered eyes, so you will be a lot more critical and choosy about who you allow into your life.

So, dare i say it, a shagmate might just solve half the relationship issues out there.

Performance Anxiety

Nope...this is not what you are thinking. It has nothing to do with sex at all. I have been getting a lot of flack about my long overdue book and i really understand why. You all saw glimpses of the book and i guess you also felt that it is something that you will find valuable. Now....here is my problem. As many of you know, this book was conceived on Facebook. The idea of a book happened almost by accident. I was just writing notes, addressing topics that friends kept coming to me about over and over. Somehow, the writing struck a chord. People loved it and asked for more. By the third note, everybody was asking when the book is coming out and i jokingly said "This is the first chapter". Next thing i knew everybody was talking about the book. Fortunately for me, it was practically writing itself. The words were flowing out of me. I was literally just a conduit through which the words flowed. Now....this is the dilemma. Everything i wrote at the time, i shared with friends on Facebook. I got their reviews, their opinions and most importantly, their VALIDATION. They loved what I was writing and they approved. But, at some point i had to stop putting the notes up. I mean, what would the point be if i am going to write a book and then put it up on Facebook in it's entirety? Who will buy it, then. I have since written quite a lot, and kept it to myself. But herein lies the conundrum. Now i have a lot of untested material. And i am uncertain of it. I am very insecure about it. I could have finished writing this book months ago, but i am EXTREMELY insecure about all the untested material. I keep writing, deleting, shelving some material. I keep worrying that the book is too short, i keep worrying that only the first chapters that i wrote are good and the rest is just rubbish. It is driving me insane with worry. It keeps me up at night. I wake up and write some more. You know how some musicians will put out an album with three or four great songs and the rest of the album is just made up of fillers? I don't want that. I want every single chapter to be a hit. I want you all to sleep with the book on your night stand because you just keep going back to it. I want to write a book that you will keep in your handbag and keep on reading all the time. So please do bear with me. Here's a thought; I would like to include some Qooh.me Questions and Answers in the book. Opinions?

The Tipping Dilemna

I was a waiter once. In the six months from varsity to my first proper job. As waiters go, i was pretty lousy. I forgot utensils and condiments ALL the time. But fortunately for me, i had a great backup team. My then wife and my cousin were colleagues and we always tag-teamed. I also always made up for my little flaws with personality. I smiled, i paid attention and i made menu recommendations. And i was very knowledgeable on the menu and wine. As a result, i was making more in a week, than i made in my first month at at my "real" job.

Most importantly, though, i learnt some valuable lessons. 1. Do not be rude to waitrons. 2.Always reward good service. 3. At the very least, reward PLEASANT service. I live by all the above, whenever i dine out.

Black people were and are notoriously bad tippers. That is an industry open secret. The ripple effect of that is, we will all be painted by the same brush. As a result, it is inevitable that a waiter will be five times more attentive and pleasant to a table occupied by the lighter shade, than they will to a darker hued table.

And herein lies the conundrum. If i get great service, i will reward the waiter handsomely and in the process slowly chip away at the stereotype. Good service will get the 10% bare minimum. That part is easy. However, what do i do with a surly waiter who got my order wrong three times?
If i don't tip at all, it will not teach him anything. His prejudices will still be in place, and he will continue to dish out bad service to all black patrons, while acting like a lovesick puppy to the next table who just happen to be white. On the other hand, it would NOT make sense for me to give him a tip, just because i want to prove that black people DO tip. That would just be rewarding bad service. So, what to do?

To this day, i have no answer. I have tried complaining to the manager, then giving 10%. And all that did was say to the guy "I feel bad about telling on you, so here's a tip to make up for it." I tried just tipping and never coming back to that place. But that is self-defeating on two levels. Firstly, i am now depriving myself of a place whose cuisine i probably really enjoyed. Secondly, i would have loved to come back and see if my little contribution has done anything to change this man's attitude.

So the only real option is to complain to him, the give him a 10% tip. Perhaps even mention right at the end that the tip would have been much better, had the service actually been good. Yes, it IS quite a condescending thing to do. But, heck, he brought it on himself with his bad service.

Creating Wealth the Muslim way

Much has been said about how Muslims (and Jews, for that matter) manage to build their communities by keeping the money inside. Very basic principle, buy from your own people. There are always cries for us black people to learn to do the same. My opinion: Not going to happen. Not any time soon.

Reasons vary. But i can sum it up in one word. Envy. The black community is full of envy. In a huge way. And as much as i hate to do so, we HAVE to blame apartheid first and foremost. It really taught us to hate ourselves and each other. It taught us to suspect one another and not trust each other. Worst of all, by planting spies "izimpimpi" among us, who were our own people, we became suspicious of each other's activity. So the moment you start rising up, everybody is suspicious and thinks you did it in a dubious way. The system also taught us that we were incapable of rising above our dire circumstances. That was indoctrinated into our heads. So, anybody who DOES rise is also viewed askance. They MUST have done something dodgy. There's no other explanation for it.

I can already see all the non-blacks shaking their heads and thinking "Can we not get over this apartheid already? YOU PEOPLE (don't you love it when they call us "you people"?) have been running this country for over 15 years, now." You know what? I'd love to hear ONE person telling Jewish people to "get over" the holocaust. That happened what, 70 odd years ago? But Jewish people are still allowed to have a chip on their shoulder (quite rightly so, I might add) to this day.

So, what all this means is, when i see a black man, like me, opening a shop in my neighborhood, and start being successful, my immediate thought is, he is somehow doing so at MY expense. Why on earth should I contribute to HIS growth? Next thing he will be driving a Mercedes, with MY money? Hell no! Plus he will never give me a lift in that Mercedes! I will take a taxi and go to town, thank you.

I have no solutions on this one. We WILL distrust each other for a long time still. Every prominent person in the townships is suspected of drug dealing. It is totally inconceivable that a black person could make money the legal way. Thank heavens for the lotto. Now, if you get any instant wealth, you have either won the lotto, are a thug, or have become "A BEE". I love how the term BEE (short for Black Economic Empowerment. in case you have been living under a rock for the past 16 years) has become a noun, now!

I DO, however think we can still learn one thing from Muslims....

The old patriarch in the Muslim family will build a house, a fairly big house. And when his sons come of age, (let's say 20) they will do two things. 1. They will get married. 2. They will continue living at home with their new brides. After all, the house is big enough. And I am sure we are all familiar with the jokes about Indians, they ALWAYS car pool. It is true. It is very rare to seen Indian person travelling alone in a car. Even if they have their own cars, they all jump into ONE car!

This means, they are now contributing to household expenses and chores. And they are SAVING their money. Think about this. An average townhouse nowadays costs R5 000 per month in rent. That is R60 000 per year. That is R300 000 over a 5 year period. If he puts just that away, he has enough to start a decent business in 5 years. I am not even going to go to how much money they save on other household costs. Appliances, furniture, groceries (they buy in bulk at Muslim Cash and Carry!). But, just working on the R300 000, in five years, that is a nest egg unlike any. At, 25 years of age.

Now, let us compare that to the average black man in similar circumstances. At 20, he just came out varsity, just got himself a job. First thing he does is RUN and gets himself a townhouse in Midrand. Then he needs a car. So, his starting salary of R10 000 per month is now basically R5 000 rent, R2 000 car payment and R3 000 must be spread out between household expenses, fun on the weekend, furniture (He NEEDS a new LCD and a killer sound system). Do you think he will even remember to pay off his student loan? And we have not even factored in the Carvellas that he MUST buy to go with his shiny red Velociti. Fortunately the banks have seen his future earning potential, so they will give him an overdraft and a credit card.

I think you all see where this is going. By 25, he is 3 positions up, but still living from hand to mouth, he is now listed on the credit bureau, is behind on rent, has probably moved from one apartment to the next to escape his mounting debt. And yet, miraculously, he has now moved up to a Golf 5.

Makes you think, I hope.....

And just like that......

For a while i sat there and thought "What does one blog about?" So i started off by posting my notes that were so well received on Facebook. Notes which are actually excerpts from my book. But, really, there was no point to that. After all: That is just repetition. If you want to read those, you could easily go to my FB profile and go to the notes.

So, now i had to come up with something new. Then I confronted the usual fear of a creative: How will the people receive what i write? After all, all the other stuff had already been tested to an audience. So, i knew there were at least SOME people who enjoyed it. But to just go in cold and start writing? That is breaking new ground. Virgin territory, if you will.

It takes a certain amount of arrogance to write something and get it published. Just like it takes a certain amount of arrogance to do anything creative and put it out there for people to enjoy. What you are saying is: I have something to say. I have something that I KNOW you will enjoy. I have something new and fresh and exciting to share with you. A shrinking violet will pen it and never share it with the world, for fear of rejection. Fear of criticism.

I just don't know if i have that kind of arrogance. But i am working on it. I have tried to get people interested. I have tried to get some people to boost my confidence, make me feel like what i am doing WILL be appreciated. How did i do this. I shared my writing with a select group of friends, and from there grew my circle. This way, my confidence slowly grew.

They say one of the best ways to achieve a goal is to share it with people. Tell people you are going to gym and lose 10kg. Tell people you are training to run the Comrades. That way, even when you consider quitting, you realise that you are not just letting yourself down, but all the people who believe in you as well.

So, i have made my goal very public now. I am writing a book called "Wakeup Woman!" All those who have read little excerpts from the book are awaiting the book with bated breath. I cannot falter. I cannot let them down.

The past two weeks i wrote nothing at all. I was overcome by fear. I had....no, actually, i am not even allowed to say the phrase. Once you say it you give it power. You make it real. Like Erectile Dysfunction. You never say the words out loud when you have it. No, hell, I'll say it, because i am not superstitious. I had Writer's Block. But i woke up today, and just like that.....it was gone. I am writing again.

Wish me luck!

He is just NOT that into you

Ok, so we've all read the book. And we've all seen the movie. But, somehow, so many women (and men, mind you) still have NO clue about this; How do I tell whether he is into me or not.

Let us start with the negatives. How to tell if he ISN'T into you. The most obvious tell tale signs;-

1. He never calls, only you do the calling.
2. When you DO call him, he is VERY happy to hear from you, but the moment you are done, it is out of sight out of mind for him.
3. He only ever responds to your contact (mail, texts, BBM, What's App) but never initiates contact himself.
4. Whenever you have to do something together, you are the one who always drives the process. You have to keep pushing for him to make time for you.
5. The only time he makes an effort to see you, is only when he wants to get together for sex.
As you may have noticed, I have tried to keep these generic, so that they cover both the instances where you are already involved with one another and cases where you have only just met.

Here are some borderline cases.
1. You meet him and exchange numbers and then he takes a few days before he calls.
2. You go out for a date and after the date he says he had a great time, but then doesn't call for a few days after that.
3. You chat occasionally, speak for a while, then he disappears for a while again.
4. He seems to be dating other people.
5. You are shagmates.

Now, let me tell you why I consider the above borderline cases...

Some guys, like women, follow some stupid rules like "The 3 Day Rule" which states that once a woman has given you her number, you have to wait Three days before you call her. They say this is a control thing so that she doesn't think you are desperate. Keep her waiting a bit. The same goes for after you have been on a date. (In both cases, I would say no guy who is truly into you would care about stupid rules, but some guys are set in their ways, so let us leave those as borderline cases)
If he chats with you often, then disappears just as much, it could be that he is still trying to figure you out.

Ladies, we also have fragile egos. And our minds also work overtime trying to figure YOU out. So, as a man, I could chat with you occasionally, then go away to see if YOU will miss me, or initiate contact at some point as well. Because believe me, we also do not want to waste time and energy on somebody who is not that into us.

The last two are interlinked. We have all had shagmates, NSA (no strings attached), ABF (assistant boy friend) arrangements. And many times, it has been with women who want nothing more than that. I have been a shagmmate to a woman that I was absolutely head over heels in love with. But from the word go she made it crystal clear that all she wanted from me was to be her shagmate. Nothing more. So, hey, we also have feelings. If YOU are giving the vibe that you want nothing more than an ABF, then hell, ABF is all I will act like. Even when I actually AM into you. Sometimes....

Those are the borderline situations. They really could go either way.

Now let us look at the positives. A man IS into you if he does the following;-

1. Calls often, without actually being clingy. (Let's face it, some guys WILL call you every hour to check on you. That is a control thing, not love)

2. Be proud to show you off and talk to his friends and family about you.

3. Will have you over at his place as much as he comes to your place. (Ladies, I cannot say this enough, if you have been dating a man for six months, and you have never seen the inside of his house, you are the woman on the side. He is probably married even)

4. He spends the big holidays (Christmas, New Years) and HIS birthday, with you. Even if a guy has FIVE women in his life. The one that he spends most or ALL those with is The One. Fact. I know this one has sparked some debate in the past, but the women were just in denial. He may lie and tell you about his family's tradition to spend these days with his family. But if you meant that much to him, You would be with him and that family.

5.He performs random acts of kindness to you and to your loved ones. This one is pretty self-explanatory. He cares about you and foresees a future for you two. So he needs to make sure that he fits in well into your life, by fitting in well to the people that matter the most to you.

Folks, there are many more things that I could add to the list. But I am not re-writing the book. Those are, to me, the most significant. And incidentally, they are the ones I get asked about the most, when I get my Agony Uncle questions.

Ultimately, if you have any doubt, whether he is into you or not, chances are he isn't. Because no man will leave any stone unturned to find The One. And if a man really loves you, he will find a way to let you know this. By hook or by crook.

And remember, nothing will syand between a man and the woman he loves. NOTHING will stop him from getting to you. He will walk if he has to. And nothing will stop him from calling you. Stop making or taking excuses. He will walk to a Telkom phone booth if all else fails. But he WILL call.

A man who doesn't call you for three straight days, while living in the same country, is just not your man.

Wake Up! Woman!

Why Do Men Cheat?

There really is no simple response to this. I could go on forever trying to convince you that not all men are dogs and that there Are some good men out there. But let's face it, I'd be faarting against thunder. Because for every one guy trying to do good by his woman, there are nine bending over backwards to reinforce the stereotype.

So, rather than try to defend our gender, perhaps it would make better sense to rather give some insight into some of the reasons why the men that do cheat, do cheat.

First of all. It very rarely has anything to do with what you did or what you didn't do. It is always sad to watch a woman who got cheated start going to gym and looking after her appearance, trying to "win her man back". But, chances are he would have cheated on you regardless.

Please, I cannot stress this enough. DO look after yourself. DO stay fit. DO pay attention to the chipping nail polish. Ease up on the matronly look. When women settle down, they do sometimes tend to start focusing more on "comfort" than style. News flash! He fell in love with a beautiful, stylish woman. Keep reminding him of that woman!

But, when you do all this, do not do it with the intention of keeping your man. Do it rather so that on your side, you can never blame yourself. Do it so that you can, with a clear conscience, say; "I did my best." If he always loved your cooking, say with pride, "I always cooked for him. I never passed that responsibility to the helper or fed him take aways 5 days a week.".

And, for heaven's sake, do not settle into a boring routine sexually. Granted, there are some men who never ever show their freaky sides to their madam (a true paradox if I have ever seen one), but, you can still show a bit of creativity. Heck, even in the missionary position, you can create some variety. Get on top, occasionally. Take off your clothes seductively and playfully, instead of undressing methodically and folding each item of clothing. Keep it entertaining.

Now, the crux of the matter. If you have all of these covered, none of it means he definitely won't cheat on you. But it DOES mean that YOU did your bit. The rest is all him.

Men will cheat because of one major reason. And many minor ones. But let us focus on the major one for now; EGO. Picture this; I have a beautiful wife at home. But she already knows all my shortcomings. She knows. Skipped payment last month on my fancy german car because money was a little tight. She knows that I snore. She has seen me cry. She knows that I have an irrational fear of clowns. I can't fool her. I can't be playing Mr Big Shot with her. But the young lady that I bump into, working at the till at Woolies doesn't know any of that, does she? If I decide to take her to Cofi, she won't say; "But we can't really afford this." She is going to see a man who is a King among men. Comfortable, confident, well groomed. What a man, what a man. So, whenever I want some escape, it is her I will go to. Then I will go back home for a dose of reality.

Here's another thing. And for this, I am sorry, but you ladies need to take credit. Women fake orgasms. I have no idea why. But you do. A LOT. But, the point is, if he doesn't really satisfy you and you fake it, two things will happen. One, he will not do anything different, because, why should he? He made you scream, so why change anything. Two, YOU will grow more and more frustrated at his lack of effort. But, really, who is to blame, there?

The point is, you are very dissatisfied and will gradually get sick of faking it. So you will do less and less fake screaming as time goes on. And, since he is doing the same thing he has always done, which used to make you scream, he will conclude, in his head that YOU are the problem. And he will go elsewhere to hear somebody else (fake) screaming. Sorry, but you need to take your share of the blame, there ladies.

But all in all. Because men are so egocentric, it really is the ego that drives men to cheat. We have a constant need for approval from women. And often, the approval of one woman stops being enough. That is when we start searching for it out there. And what says "I approve" quite like a woman allowing you to sleep with her?

NB; I won't go further.You will have to get the book to get the rest. "Wake Up! Woman!" Coming soon.

Where to from here?

First step is for me to figure out why I am here. Why am i blogging? Ok, if truth be told, I was pushed to start blogging. I have some fairly popular posts on FB and people seem to identify with what I am saying. And then came the notes. I write notes quite regularly, and they also struck quite a chord with many readers. Every Sunday, i put up an excerpt from my work in progress book, "Wake Up! Woman!"....Then people started asking me to e-mail them copies of the notes.

So, from that, to a blog, was, I guess, the next logical step. I will put all the notes that I have written so far. Needless to say, I can't give you the entire chapter, or the entire book. But I will definitely share enough to glipmse of what the book is about, and hopefully, spark enough interest for you to want to buy the book, when it comes out.

Excerpts coming up, shortly.

So...I am blogging now.....

I know most writers and purists believe very strongly that blogging is "bastardising" the art of writing. They are probably the same people who still insist on using a typewriter to write their material. Nonense!

If you have something to say, blogging gives you the voice. And, really, we are not stupid. We can all tell the real from the fake. We can all tell whether somebody has what it takes to cut it as a writer.

Now, it is my turn. My turn to expose myself. To lay bare my innermost feelings. To put myself at the mercy of you, the reader. Critics can be harsh. They can be brutal. But I am not writing for the them, here. I am not writing for the people whose sole purpose it is to take apart every bit of writing, criticising spelling and sentence construction. I AM writing for the people who just want to read something heartfelt and geniune. I will be putting up all my old notes from Facebook. And, of course will be communicating in a lot more detail here, than on FB and twitter.

I look forward to this journey. Let's GO!