10 Reasons Why He is NOT Coming Back

10 Reasons why he is NOT coming back……EVER!

I penned these after some requests from friends. These were directed at shagmate/ booty call/ NSA arrangements, but they are equally applicable to budding relationships. So…take what you need and throw away the rest.


10. Gospel music is NOT mood music! I love the Lord, but I really don’t want to be followed by Rebecca INTO the bedroom, singing “Modimo oa halalela!”…Not cool!
9. We decided we are going to get together and shag, right? Shag arrangement. NSA, Shagmates, call it whatever. Now, why do you get to my place and start acting coy? I hate the “No means yes” thing. We agreed WAY prior that we want each other, we exchanged steamy messages and phone calls. Now you get to my house and want me to beg with every single item of clothing that we take off? Go back home!
8. This is our first time….for heaven’s sake, just PRETEND to make an effort. Make an effort to smell good. Be clean, be enticing. This did not take you by surprise. You knew we were getting together to do this. Now smell like you knew.
7. Speaking of grooming…..that bush growing down there…..I ain’t going down there. Not even if you pay me. Cut that George W. Bush. Or at the least trim it. Cos if I want to floss, I will use dental floss, not pubic hair. Worse still, when you are on the wrong end of 30. Suddenly there are greys down there as well. Not a pretty sight.
6. And from Grooming, we go straight to hygiene. Nothing says get up and go like a whiff of Phoofff down there! Douche! Use special foams, anti-bacterials, low ph soaps…there is a HUGE array of products that you can buy at Clicks over the counter. Right off the shelf! No excuse for a funky kitty katt!
5. If we are doing this at your place, I really don’t want to have your ex or your man staring down at us, as we lay on the bed. Remove the pics….please. Your late dad, too. He makes me feel uncomfortable.
4. I have no issues with you enjoying the sex and screaming my name out loud. But, jeez, cut the theatrics. This is not a stage. No need to perform and shout like a crazed fan! And the same goes for crazy performances on top of me. That is my pelvic bone that you are slamming yourself on top of. Ouch! We are not at war. Relax a little. Have fun. 
3. Sex is a very private thing. So, please….don’t be making my business public. I really don’t like the idea of walking into a room where you are chilling with your girlfriends, and the first thing they look at is my crotch, while giggling and smiling coyly. I really don’t want to feel like a piece of meat. And please, for the love of God, PLEASE don’t pass me on to your friends for me to “render services” to. I am not a gigolo.
2. Let us be grown about this. If we get down once and discover that it was a disaster: You were too tight, or too loose. I was too small, or too big. It happens. Everybody isn’t a perfect fit for everybody. Let’s walk away, and admit that it was just not meant to be. Don’t turn around and start making up stories about how I just wanted to hit that and then run. The experience was not pleasurable for both of us. It was a non-starter. Let us be mature and walk away. It was not a relationship…it was a shagmate agreement.
1. Lastly……On the same token as above. Don’t go psycho or stalker on me. You were cool with being a shagmate when we started. Suddenly, you are locking the door and throwing the key out the window after our first time. (I meant that literally. And YES, it is a true story!) This is NOT gonna work. Calling me and then breathing is also not going to bring me back. You do 1 single act that smells of psycho and I am running for the hills. This is why we talk up front and we both know what we are looking for from each other.

Bonus point: I WILL get VERYworried when you ask that we not use condoms, any day. I will freak out if you suggest it on our first night together. I value my life and my safety. And I will not risk it for a few hours of pleasure.